Booklicious: The Guardian Goes Roguish

December 10, 2009


Well, it's broken sales records, gained the top spot on The New York Times bestseller list, and now it's been honored with the ultimate accolade. Going Rogue by Sarah Palin is the latest book to receive The Guardian's digested read treatment. (Just in case you're not familiar with The Guardian's digested read series, the newspaper describes journalist John Crace's columns as "incisive pastiches of the most popular writers, from Bridget Jones to Julian Barnes." Needless to say, the writing is both excellent and hilarious.)

So without further ado, here is Going Rogue - the version you might actually read.

It was the Alaska State Fair, August 2008. I passed the Right to Life stand with my daughter's face on their poster. "That's you, baby-girl," I said to Piper. "There's no member of this family your momma wouldn't sell out to promote her career." As we watched three commy abortionists being burned to death, Senator McCain called my cell phone. Would I like to help him lose the presidential race?

My parents moved to Alaska when I was three and I fell in love with the outdoors and killing things. Swearing the Oath of Allegiance in school gave me a sense of civic pride and I vowed to serve America and go to church a lot.

After coming runner-up, and last, in the Miss Alaska pageant, I married Todd Palin, a guy with his own snow mobile who blessed me with five children: Track, "we'd have called him hockey if he'd been born in the winter"; Bristol, "Todd said he hoped she'd have a rack like mine"; Willow, "we misspelled pillow"; Piper, "after our light aircraft"; and Trig, "short for the trigger on our AK47".

"Dang it," I thought, "this election campaign is getting mighty dirty." But Todd told me God had a purpose for me and after praying for his guidance, I was duly elected mayor of Wasilla by nine votes to six. Various stories have been told about how I dismissed a librarian for stocking anti-American literature on evolution and how I tried to get my brother-in-law fired from his job as a state trooper. Well I don't have space in this 400-page book to go into this in any detail, but if I did I would say that anyone who messes with God or my family has to deal with this pitbull in lipstick!

Read the rest of The Guardian's digested read


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